Traitors gonna trait

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Putting the “Gee” in OMG: Davey Hansen remembered

It’s the little things you recall. Small kindnesses. Especially in this town; especially from people who could easily retreat to the solitude that fame affords. I first met Davey in the Studio City Ralph’s on Ventura. I helped him pick out a cantaloupe. It was the least I could do for a fixture of my childhood Saturday mornings.

In return, Davey befriended me and gave this Hollywood newcomer and aspiring writer some much-needed support – practical (he directed me to a shoe repair place and decent LA pizza), professional (“Don’t get an agent in the valley”) and emotional (“Writers have to be re-writers,” he’d tell me over breakfasts at Tiny Naylor’s).

Davey was always recognized but never hassled – a welcome consequence of his on-screen persona.  And while he was truly one of the nicest people I’d ever met, the cloying Christian squeaky-clean kid was just an act. “Do these people think Burgess Meredith robs banks?” he’d ask as passers-by acknowledged him with a brief, demure glance.

There were rough times for Davey and Goliath in the nineties: the short-lived CBS summer comedy hour; the Vegas show; the pair’s highly public falling-out. I was glad I could be there for him to return that support. But as he told me and a gaggle of Laker Girls one night in Ian Ziering’s jacuzzi, “Life is one crazy f***ing ride, huh?!”

The ride is over, my friend. I was glad to share part of it with you. God bless.

Davey Hansen died Monday night in his Van Nuys home of natural causes. He is survived by his longtime companion, Goliath, a clay dog.

Red, White and Blue Velvet

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5 Mid-Season Plot Twists for the Rams: Hollywood Calls an Audible

Rams, thanks for meeting me. Been here before? They do a nice steak. Tony, we’ll take two Caesars all the way. Yes, that’s Emily Blunt. Don’t stare. Don’t… Great.

I’ll get to the point, Rams. You’re unwatchable. You barely beat Russell Wilson playing on a sprained ankle. You got humiliated by Blake Bortles playing on Blake Bortles’ ankles. You lost to the Bills at home and shamed the village in London. What are you, the Pillsbury doughboy with all the turnovers?

It’s not about being “bad.” You think Hollywood gives a rat’s tukkis if you’re bad? Bad pays for half the meals in this town. Your problem is, you play in the entertainment capital of the world and you’re un-watch-able. What story are you telling? Why should I care about the L.A. Rams? Why am I tuning in?

Here, I’ve outlined your next five episodes. Your check is all the thanks I need. It’s what I do. I make shows unboring. Remember “Family Matters” before they brought in Urkel? Exactly.

  1.  Game of Throwers. You got no intrigue this season. You’re predictable. Next game, Case Keenum will toss another pick or four and the “highly touted” Jared Goff will  take over; and you’ll finish 5 and 11. The rookie QB plot line has been done to death. But here’s a twist: Keenum plays. If he wins, great. He gets the next start. But if he loses. Ffffwwwt – off with his head! And so on. You’re raising the compete level. –Yes, on the field. Now your audience is engaged. You’ve got drama even in a blowout. Especially in a blowout. If you don’t like it; I will shop it to the Raiders.
  2.  Onside Chick. On a very special Rams football telecast, the NFL’s first female player takes the field. This single Mom’s heartwarming  story – brought to you by Tide and new Tide Pods® – will touch us all. And the fan interest in your comatose franchise? It’s up… and it’s good!
  3. The Satanic Versus. Rams wide receiver Tavon Austin is giving rival defensive backs “a hell of a time” now that he’s joined a Satanic cult! You think Colin Kaepernick caused a stir? Wait till Tavon takes it to the house pointing into the ground instead of to the sky. And when Pam Oliver interviews him, he will “give all praise and thanks to His Almighty Unholiness, Lord Lucifer.” When’s the last time you trended?
  4. L.A. Lambs. Okay, lighter note: Put the players’ kids on the sidelines during the game, and watch hijinx ensue! They’re giving Daddy high fives. They’re doing cheers. Kids eating cotton candy are toddling onto the field. Talking into the headsets, riding Big Wheels. And cranky old Coach Fisher is losing his temper. You picturing this? It’s a mad house! Hashtag: L.A.dorable! You could lose your last nine games, no one would care.
  5. Guilty Pleasure. Last but not least. In a star-driven market, who’s your star? Todd Gurley? Maybe he’ll break off a 20-yard run some time this season, maybe not. I’m saying, you have an opportunity to bring in a game changer. I’m talking special television event. Are you sitting down? I see that you are. It was rhetorical. Say this with me. “Now playing tailback for the Rams… Number thirty-two… O.J. Simpson!” Oh. Yes. You. Did. …I can make some calls. If someone’s not tuning in for this game, I don’t want to know them.

I gotta go. You run these by the coaching staff; we’ll do punch-ups during the week. Seriously, you want to be renewed for next season? Step up your game. You’re not in Kansas anymore. …Missouri. Whatever.

 

“What’s today, Thursday?”

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The Mrs. of Sisyphus

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