What if this Christmas Eve…
We leave out cookies for Jesus.
And when the kids go sleep, we feed the hungry, give to the poor and spread peace on Earth. And in the morning, we can give Him all the credit.
Master Course: The Year 2020 Teaches Anxiety
You’re successful, confident and upbeat. But what if you could wake up to a life of despair, uncertainty and incessant worry? Even if you’ve never dreaded the future or feared leaving your house, the year 2020 will have you sobbing over your news feed and ordering plums on line. In this immersive, masks-on workshop you’ll learn the secrets of the anxious and depressed.
Meet Your Instructor: The Year 2020
Combining threats to democracy, civil uprisings, climate change and a worldwide pandemic, 2020 is being hailed as the crappiest year in modern history. Let 2020 transform your life as it has for billions just like you. Imagine spending hours in fetal position, adding Radiohead to your workout playlist and making Camus’ The Stranger your light reading.
Week 1: The New-rotic Normal
Now that your 5-year plan is as viable as that bologna sandwich you left in your cubicle, it’s time to “let go.” As 2020 shows us, when we try to script our own story, God makes life an improv performance. Is it grim and disappointing? Yes. And… you have to do it again tomorrow.
Week 2: Anti-Socializing
The anxious know, social situations are nightmares waiting to happen. Conversations turn awkward. We put our foot in our mouth and shoot ourselves in the foot. Today, embarrassment is the least of your worries. Even a brief meet-up can land you in the ICU. See why it’s suddenly “in” to be introverted.
Week 3: Na-mistake
When you’re new to living on-edge, it’s easy to fall off and hurt yourself. We’ll show you two stress-busting techniques to help you weather Shitstorm 2020.
- Meditation – Using mindfulness you’ll gently dismiss troubling thoughts. Then gently dismiss them again 4 seconds later. And again. Good. Gradually these cares give way to a new anxiety about how awful you are at meditation.
- Yoga – With years of practice this ancient discipline helps ease the tension caused by wearing Lycra in front of strangers.
Week 4: Your Thoughts Are with You
You’ve got nothing to do, nowhere to go and the same people in your face the whole damn day. Like your favorite celebrity in rehab, get ready to wrestle your demons. As romantic as this sounds, your demons are professional wrestlers who will sneak up and smash you in the back of the head with a folding chair.
Week 5: “Thank You, Lord, for This Porn We Are About to Receive” – Escapes
If the best part of the day is the part you sleep through, congratulations. At least you can sleep. For those dreaded “waking hours,” try a Tumblr rabbit hole, a Mortal Combat marathon or all four seasons of “Alf.” When you’re depressed, there are no wastes of time, only shortcuts to tomorrow.
Week 6: The Door’s the Limit
Whether it’s an imagined slight or a global crisis that’s crushed your sense of self, it’s time to downsize your dreams. Your new hero’s journey leads to the front door for a lukewarm GrubHub dinner. And who needs to compete for a corner office when you just scored a corner-of-the-dining-room office?
Week 7. Go for a Scroll
Social media makes us lonelier and more depressed, and the best cure for that? More social media. It’s great people liked your cobb salad photo. But why didn’t more people like it? No, seriously. And while your feed is wall-to-wall distress and dystopia, at least this year you don’t have to like your friends’ freaking Kauai vacation shots.
Week 8. Here Comes Your Covid-19 Nervous Breakdown.
2020 delivers the kind of paralyzing anguish even nail-biting can’t cure. That’s why each student will receive a month’s supply of ecstasy. Instead of adrenaline-charged fear, MDMA fills your days with smiles and contented sighs, as if the universe were making you a grilled cheese and finding your remote. With enough ecstasy, divided America might even mellow the fuck out – talking, listening and staying up all night listening to Moby, then going out for breakfast.
Week 9. There’s No You in Defeated
Want to break free of your depression and hopelessness? Our self-help gurus know that success is as close as selling you a book. If recession, pandemic and an authoritarian regime are holding you back, see how little you can do to overcome them.
Week 10. Watch Out for That Aaaaa-byss!
If 2020 is making you feel you’re alone in a bleak existential void, you’re not alone. Tens of millions have joined the ranks of the sullen and sorrowful in questioning the meaning of life. And as you gaze into the abyss of Existence more frequently, don’t be surprised if ads for Kierkegaard t-shirts start showing up on your Instagram. It’s kind of creepy actually.
Toby Muller hosts the podcast “What Part of Toby Don’t You Understand?”
Defund God
When in the course of human events, humans can’t get a mani-pedi or play bar trivia, something is seriously messed up.
There’s been plenty of finger-pointing during the COVID pandemic; but where are the fingers pointing upward? Plagues are one of God’s signature moves. Did He unleash this one? Is it even on His radar, or is He up there playing Candy Crush and hathn’t noticed our worldwide panic?
When the churches reopened, I assumed it was so congregations could get His attention. Six months later, we’ve got hockey back (thanks, Canadian faithful), but no cure. If ever there were a time for a supreme being to step up, this is it. But nothing, not even a statement from His people.
With my drum circle cancelled, I’ve had plenty of time to contemplate God’s unfathomable will. Why, yes. I do have some theories.
1. God’s Having a Midlife Crisis
Back in the day, if God caught you eating from the wrong tree or worshipping a golden calf, He’d be up in your grill like a vice-principal and, Lo, there’d be consequences. This pandemic is God letting us know He’s still the Old Testament bad-ass Hollywood made movies about.
But why a plague? Why now? Whom does He want us to let go? Considering He’s such a law-and-order guy, I don’t think it’s prisoners. Is it animals? Has God gone vegan? That’s a problem. Forget about pigs, cattle and lambs for a minute. There are 25 billion chickens on the planet being raised for meat and eggs. That’s “billion” with a beak. Should we free them so they can cross the road en route to some poultry promised land?
Or, are we being punished for our sins? Has he finally had it with all the sodomy and gamorrahmy? He gave us the Ten Commandments, but when taking His name in vain (#3) ranks ahead of murder (#6), how seriously are we supposed to take that? He tells us to love our neighbor, then gives our neighbor a yappy dog that won’t shut the fuck up. He says the Righteous will be blessed, but it’s the wicked driving the cool cars. And if it’s Trump He’s after, that’s an easy target waddling around the golf course. Any deity could make that lightning strike and avoid all the COVID collateral damage.
2. The Focus Group Loves the Pandemic Plot
Back in February, God saw the virus spreading across the globe and was ready to shed His grace on us. But His godhead buddies were over watching and They were all like – “What are you doing? Leave it! This is hysterical.” And you can see Their point – the G5 conspiracies, the mask tirades, Ron DeSantis. You can’t write this stuff. Suddenly humanity has been cast in a new season of “Jersey Shore,” and gods in the lucrative 34 – 14 billion age demo are tuning in.
3. This Is a Cry for Help
Sure, “Inscrutable” is His brand, but these days, God is coming off like an angry teen. He unleashed a plague and now He’s locked Himself in His room, blasting His Gospel music and He won’t answer when we knock. He’s acting like He hates us, but really it’s Him that’s hurting. For centuries we’ve been too busy with our bickering to pay attention to Him, and even now, when He needs our support, we’re down here fighting over masks.
4. We’re God’s First Pancakes
Humanity did okay. We had some good moments. We invented plastic. We learned to rollerskate. Some of us are curing cancer. For the most part though, we aren’t turning out like God hoped. So he’s starting over from algae. It would have been nice to get a warning – okay, sure, all the evil that built Western Civilization was our warning. But don’t we deserve an 8,000th chance? There are really strict Fathers and cool, funny Dads, but no one likes the jerk Dad who abandons His kids because parenting is hard. Besides, we were created in His image, so it’s not like His next batch is going to be any better.
5. These are the Final Days. Everything Must Go!
Write that novel fast, kids. It’s Rapture time. God’s making a list, checking it twice and hitting Command S one last time. You’ll either be saved like those “MILFs at the Beach” jpegs or trashed like that “10 Steps to Joy” article. And for those of us trending downward, we’ll finally figure out what the business model for Hell is. Seriously, running the heat full-blast for eternity. How is that monetized? If it’s ad supported, who’s buying spots there? …Sure, but besides Peloton.
6. God’s Got Another Planet
There was a time when we had a groovy thing going with God. We were young and innocent and, after worshiping trees and mountains and bison, He was our first real deity. We painted beautiful Bible scenes and built dope cathedrals for Him. Then we got all “enlightened.” We learned what thunder was. Today, instead of herding sheep, we’re cloning them. We split our own atoms and built canals and power grids – sprucing up His Earth like we’re gonna flip it.
It’s no one’s fault. After 6 million (or 6 thousand) years, we’ve gone our separate ways. And with over 1 billion habitable planets in our Galaxy alone, odds are that God has found a new world to adore Him. At His age, he wasn’t sure he wanted to be parting seas and raising Saviors. But this new planet makes Him feel special. Us? We’ve let ourselves go and we’re on our phones all day anyway. He’s sorry we’re not feeling well. He sends His best.
7. God’s in Over His Head
It can’t be easy overseeing creation, nature, morality, fate and Texas high school football. He’s just one god for God’s sake. Sure His kid is helping out now, but that’s two of them for about 8 billion of us. You think you hate robocalls? God’s cell never stops ringing with requests for a winning lottery draw or “just a B-” in Algebra. Everything’s rolling over to voicemail these days. Even working sabbaths, He can’t keep up with the burgeoning demands of Earth. The work’s getting shoddy. In little over a century we’ve seen two world wars, a climate crisis and flavorless apples. Now there’s a virus going viral? The shareholders have every right to demand accountability.
8. We Are Dumb as Cats
Remember the time your roommate’s cat jumped up on the coffee table and ate part of your turkey sub so you whacked it? From the cat’s point of view, here’s how that played out: a) ate some dubious processed meat; b) the equivalent of 17 years (4 actual seconds) went by; c) completely forgot it ate anything; d) got smacked for no reason.
Today’s epiphany is brought to you by Subway: We are to God as cats are to us. Because we are incapable of comprehending His actions and intentions, effects and causes seem to occur randomly. But they are, in the cosmic scheme of things, just and wise. COVID might be retribution for the Crusades or for Nabisco overextending the Oreo’s brand or for me – I mean you – smacking that cat.
Start the Revelations Without Me
As I said, these are all conjectures. I’m the cluelessest of humans. I’m not a believer or even a Facebook friend.
So, come on, all ye faithful, get God to God up and heal the sick so we can go back to work and our dogs can go back to their day spas. If not, we’re voting Him off the island.
That means saying goodbye to His holy tax loopholes. Mainstream religions (including Scientology) get over $82.5 billion a year in tax breaks. And while mega-rich megachurches don’t pay taxes, they pocketed over $8.5 billion in taxpayer-funded pandemic relief so far. If ever there were a time for a quid pro quovid, this is it. Show me the mercy!
Sure, cutting off God’s funding seems harsh. What will life be like without Him? According to atheists, exactly like this one… with rampant Evil, devastating natural disasters and viral pandemics. But, you know, puppies and starlit nights and beach barbecues too.
I realize people are reluctant to ride in a self-driving universe; but if folks insist on replacing God with a new higher power, let’s find one we can all agree on this time. That will eliminate a lot of bloodshed, not to mention awkwardness at the holidays.
Personally, I’m for splitting up the job. The Greeks, Romans, Egyptians and Hindus made a team set-up work, with a CEO God overseeing a staff with different skill sets. (And, seriously do you really want your God of the Sea to be the God of Wine too?) If it’s too hot, talk to the sun god. Too much virus? Down the hall – infectious diseases.
Plus, pantheism lets everyone have their own favorite god. We could have nominations and vote online. (A god that won’t let me eat cheeseburgers or shrimp tacos? Totally swiping left.) Instead of perfect Mr. Fussypants, we’d get Gods you’d want to have a beer with. Why not cool, relatable beings like Loki, Narcissus, Echo and Dionysus watching over us? They scheme, they backstab, they sleep around – and they control the world. Yes, exactly like the Kardashians.
Have you seen the news lately. How much worse could things get?
Toby Muller hosts the podcast “Chicken Soup for the Vegan Soul.”
Dear Libra: Advice Worth Reconsidering
Dear Libra,
My husband’s cousin is getting married back east in April and we’re invited. Frankly, I don’t much care for his family and it will be a hassle and an expense for the four of us to travel for a weekend. My husband feels the same but insists we go so the kids can spend time with his parents. How about it, Libra. Should we just grin and bear it?
—Debby P.
Dear Debby,
Like it or not, once you’re married, your husband’s family commitments are your family commitments, so get ready to say yes to the stress.
I wonder though why your husband couldn’t find a graceful way to bow out of the wedding and schedule another trip where the kids could spend quality time with the grandparents.
Still, if declining the invitation is going to inflame an already tense family situation, being polite and enjoying a catered meal isn’t the worst thing you’ll ever do.
Of course, chances are, the feeling is mutual and inviting you is just an empty gesture and they’re hoping you’ll decline.
Be that as it may, you’d feel awful if something happened to one of your husband’s parents before they got to see your kids again.
I wonder though if, by attending, you’d be obliged to attend all the other cousins’ weddings so you’re setting yourself up for years of having to attend these things or hurting someone’s feelings.
Even if that’s true, they’re grown-ups. They’ll just have to deal with it.
Hey, here’s a thought: Why not compromise and let your husband take the kids?
No never mind, then you come off as the mean, aloof bitch who’s too good for them.
But so what? Are you going to go through life trying to please other people? Do you really care if these losers spend half the reception gossiping about you and wondering what happened to that nice Jeannie girl your husband dated in high school?
Okay, so either all of you go or none of you go. But seriously, you’re going to take the kids out of school and fly with a stopover for a weekend and then get back on the plane on Sunday morning?
That’s a small inconvenience when it comes to family; they’re flesh and blood after all even if you have some issues with them. You really should be there to help them celebrate life’s cherished milestones.
But then you’re disrupting the whole week. There’s soccer and chorus and it means taking a day off work. And the money is not trivial. All for a wedding you don’t want to go to.
Sometimes though, Debby, it’s not all about you. Life is compromise and sacrifice and people do this day in day out without a thought. Your husband is counting on you.
But if there’s tension between you and the family why go and spoil someone’s special day just for some hypocritical show of family unity.
What I’m saying is, our life is defined by our choices. Will you spend it with people you can’t stand or will you stay sheltered forever in your comfort zone? Are you finally going to look beyond your petty differences and embrace the common humanity you share with these people or are you going to set boundaries and be good to yourself for once?
I know you’ll make the right choice.
Q. What is Amazon Key?
A. Amazon Key is an exciting new service that delivers peace of mind along with your packages. By replacing your front door lock with a smart lock, our delivery associates can get inside your home by sending a digital code. No more worries about having that artisanal fudge stolen off your porch; our contractors will enter your house while you’re away to stow your purchases safely inside!
Q. Can’t it get hacked?
A. No. While the CIA, Equifax, Uber, Target, Home Depot, Yahoo!, Sony, JPMorgan, LinkedIn, Marriott and thousands of other high-profile entities worldwide have been hacked, Amazon Key simply cannot be. Rest assured, no lonely and disturbed coder out there could possibly penetrate our security—then generate a code to deactivate our alert system and open your door so they can steal all your belongings.
Q. What if I’m uncomfortable having strangers in my house?
A. Please don’t think of our delivery associates as strangers. Think of them as neighbors bringing you the purchases you’ve been waiting for. These hard-working folks are happy to have their jobs after the regrettable bankruptcy of their retail sector employers. And, no, they’re not looking around your house, judging your taste in interior design. They’d give anything to have a sweet set-up like yours without “a-hole roommates” stealing their Cup o’ Noodles.
Q. Really. I don’t know these people and now they know where I live, what I own and when I’m out of my house?
A. Rest assured, our dedicated agents have as little interest in going through Dad’s financial files as they do Mom’s lingerie drawer. If someone wanted to know everything you do and have, they’d embed a device that listens to your conversations, tracks your interests and subtly insinuates its way into your daily decision-making. Oh wait, you have that. So it’s a little late to start getting creeped-out about someone coming into your house when you’re not there.
Q. I’ve got a pit bull and that package is full of smelly thawed turkey innards, so that guy better just put the box in my foyer and run.
A. Yeah, no. Best we can tell, you’ve got some sort of little yappy Bichon over there and your next scheduled delivery is a pair of Beats Solo3 Wireless On-Ear Headphones – Rose Gold. By the way, last chance to save 20% on those Maui Jim Beachcomber sunglasses for your Aruba trip next month. Add to Cart
Q. Okay fine. But you’re sure I can watch while they’re inside my house?
A. Absolutely. You’ll receive a text when our delivery associate is at your door, and the Cloud Camera lets you watch them in real time from your phone.
Q. Is this her now? She seems very nice, very professional.
A. Yes. We’re showing Natalie has arrived at your delivery address right now. Thank you for using Amazon Key!
Q. This is Natalie – contractor 8-1-3-4 something? I was at this house… and I put the package in the…then someone grabbed–, and…now I’m at the bottom of some kind of well. What do I do?
A. Hi, Natalie. And – friendly reminder – you’re tracking 17 minutes behind your optimized route schedule. But customer service is Amazon’s #1 priority so for now we advise you to put what we’re assuming is the 18-ounce Aveeno Daily Mosturizing Body Lotion in the Royal Imports Hand-Woven Medium Willow Basket.
A Christmas Truce
“ ’There’s a war against Christmas,” Fox News pundits roared.
The commies and Soros hate Trump and our Lord.
“It’s offensive, disgraceful!—No ifs, ands or buts.
When you say ‘Happy Holidays’ an elf’s kicked in the nuts!”
“We can’t let them win,” Shawn Hannity cries.
“Let’s make Christmas great again. Go out and buy!”
What about holidays others believe in
When Christmas lays claim to the entire season?
There’s Solstice and Kwanzaa and Hanukkah nights.
Want a holiday party? You gotta fight for your right.
We have an objection, so let me impart it:
There’s a war for the season, but we didn’t start it.
From deep in December, it’s o’erstepped its bounds—
like the Nazis through Poland—and staked out new ground.
It blitzkrieged Black Friday, and marched on Thanksgiving,
goose-stepping o’er turkeys and all of the trimmings.
This Christmastime onslaught shows no signs of stopping.
Turning Thanksgiving Day into a day to go shopping.
White meat and dark grown cold on our plates,
As we rush to the malls in fear we’ll be late.
How long will it be till we’re passing the rolls,
potatoes and stuffing, tailgating at Kohl’s?
The Vets are forgotten, but retail’s remembered
when the airwaves are jammed in early November.
With scripted enchantment amid fake swirling snows,
luxury cars sport red satin bows.
We thought that your holiday was all about peace.
So before you take Halloween, we ask that you cease.
We’re weary; not cheery. Something is wrong
Like a blockbuster movie that goes on too long!
Your internet shopping now is done in a night.
How does two weeks sound to put up the lights?
THEN Santa! THEN reindeer! THEN gay apparel.
THEN tinsel and eggnog and all of those carols.
See, Christmas is joyful when it doesn’t drag on
And then you’ve got 12 days of pipers and swans.
Give us the fall back and let’s share a toast.
Stop by for latkes; invite us for roast.
We’ll send off an email, attention North Pole:
Bring grumpy Shawn Hannity a lump of clean coal.
And we’ll hear Santa say as he rides off so jolly,
“Merry Christmas to all—and a happy Diwali!”
Putting the “Gee” in OMG: Davey Hansen remembered
It’s the little things you recall. Small kindnesses. Especially in this town; especially from people who could easily retreat to the solitude that fame affords. I first met Davey in the Studio City Ralph’s on Ventura. I helped him pick out a cantaloupe. It was the least I could do for a fixture of my childhood Saturday mornings.
In return, Davey befriended me and gave this Hollywood newcomer and aspiring writer some much-needed support – practical (he directed me to a shoe repair place and decent LA pizza), professional (“Don’t get an agent in the valley”) and emotional (“Writers have to be re-writers,” he’d tell me over breakfasts at Tiny Naylor’s).
Davey was always recognized but never hassled – a welcome consequence of his on-screen persona. And while he was truly one of the nicest people I’d ever met, the cloying Christian squeaky-clean kid was just an act. “Do these people think Burgess Meredith robs banks?” he’d ask as passers-by acknowledged him with a brief, demure glance.
There were rough times for Davey and Goliath in the nineties: the short-lived CBS summer comedy hour; the Vegas show; the pair’s highly public falling-out. I was glad I could be there for him to return that support. But as he told me and a gaggle of Laker Girls one night in Ian Ziering’s jacuzzi, “Life is one crazy f***ing ride, huh?!”
The ride is over, my friend. I was glad to share part of it with you. God bless.
Davey Hansen died Monday night in his Van Nuys home of natural causes. He is survived by his longtime companion, Goliath, a clay dog.
Red, White and Blue Velvet
5 Mid-Season Plot Twists for the Rams: Hollywood Calls an Audible
Rams, thanks for meeting me. Been here before? They do a nice steak. Tony, we’ll take two Caesars all the way. Yes, that’s Emily Blunt. Don’t stare. Don’t… Great.
I’ll get to the point, Rams. You’re unwatchable. You barely beat Russell Wilson playing on a sprained ankle. You got humiliated by Blake Bortles playing on Blake Bortles’ ankles. You lost to the Bills at home and shamed the village in London. What are you, the Pillsbury doughboy with all the turnovers?
It’s not about being “bad.” You think Hollywood gives a rat’s tukkis if you’re bad? Bad pays for half the meals in this town. Your problem is, you play in the entertainment capital of the world and you’re un-watch-able. What story are you telling? Why should I care about the L.A. Rams? Why am I tuning in?
Here, I’ve outlined your next five episodes. Your check is all the thanks I need. It’s what I do. I make shows unboring. Remember “Family Matters” before they brought in Urkel? Exactly.
- Game of Throwers. You got no intrigue this season. You’re predictable. Next game, Case Keenum will toss another pick or four and the “highly touted” Jared Goff will take over; and you’ll finish 5 and 11. The rookie QB plot line has been done to death. But here’s a twist: Keenum plays. If he wins, great. He gets the next start. But if he loses. Ffffwwwt – off with his head! And so on. You’re raising the compete level. –Yes, on the field. Now your audience is engaged. You’ve got drama even in a blowout. Especially in a blowout. If you don’t like it; I will shop it to the Raiders.
- Onside Chick. On a very special Rams football telecast, the NFL’s first female player takes the field. This single Mom’s heartwarming story – brought to you by Tide and new Tide Pods® – will touch us all. And the fan interest in your comatose franchise? It’s up… and it’s good!
- The Satanic Versus. Rams wide receiver Tavon Austin is giving rival defensive backs “a hell of a time” now that he’s joined a Satanic cult! You think Colin Kaepernick caused a stir? Wait till Tavon takes it to the house pointing into the ground instead of to the sky. And when Pam Oliver interviews him, he will “give all praise and thanks to His Almighty Unholiness, Lord Lucifer.” When’s the last time you trended?
- L.A. Lambs. Okay, lighter note: Put the players’ kids on the sidelines during the game, and watch hijinx ensue! They’re giving Daddy high fives. They’re doing cheers. Kids eating cotton candy are toddling onto the field. Talking into the headsets, riding Big Wheels. And cranky old Coach Fisher is losing his temper. You picturing this? It’s a mad house! Hashtag: L.A.dorable! You could lose your last nine games, no one would care.
- Guilty Pleasure. Last but not least. In a star-driven market, who’s your star? Todd Gurley? Maybe he’ll break off a 20-yard run some time this season, maybe not. I’m saying, you have an opportunity to bring in a game changer. I’m talking special television event. Are you sitting down? I see that you are. It was rhetorical. Say this with me. “Now playing tailback for the Rams… Number thirty-two… O.J. Simpson!” Oh. Yes. You. Did. …I can make some calls. If someone’s not tuning in for this game, I don’t want to know them.
I gotta go. You run these by the coaching staff; we’ll do punch-ups during the week. Seriously, you want to be renewed for next season? Step up your game. You’re not in Kansas anymore. …Missouri. Whatever.
Toby continued... 